ADHD Gender Gap: Different for Me Because I’m Female

Dealing with the gender gap!

editor: 2 weeks ago, here at See in ADHD, our friend Tricia Webb was describing her life and schooling as a young girl growing up with ADHD. This week she continues to discuss the disparity between men and women with this disorder and what it has meant to her. ~ Kelly

I told you about the realization that things weren’t the way I thought they were, and then there was the realization that they were different for me because I was female. If I did it, it was unladylike, if a boy did it it was … okay?

These experiences left me befuddled and frustrated. I felt utterly tromped on, shamed into feeling less of a human than the kid right next to me. The kid of the same age and same intellect. So I decided to fall into the expected, female norm. I didn’t ever want to feel that shame again.

How does this happen?

It’s commonly cited that boys present with ADHD hyperactive-impulsive subtype more often than girls, who have higher rates of the inattentive type.

I argue that ADHD subtypes are equally distributed between genders at birth, but many school age girls are pressured into female norms, eliciting the inattentive symptoms while suppressing the hyperactive ones. My natural instincts are of the hyperactive-impulsive subtype, but with repeated pressure to conform, I pushed my feelings and actions inwards.

I became the good girl everyone expected. This caused immense anxiety and took enormous effort to contain previously overt energy.

Let me explain

The chain of logic is incredibly simple. I found myself following female norms. Why? This would increase my chance of connecting with others, which in turn would bring happiness.

And how would I make those connections? By being desirable. And falling within the acceptable range of female behavior is desirable. It’s a simple process that can have devastating effects on a girl’s identity and self-esteem.

These effects then spill over into the dating world. Naturally having oodles of energy means I go fast and l go long. Learn to snowboard? Nothing short of double diamond shoots. Take up running? Nothing but a full marathon will do. It’s not a matter of conscious competition or achievement, it’s simply the level of intensity my body craves to release pent up energy.

How does that play out?

I remember snowboarding down the mountain with a date and just being so happy that I had someone to ride with. The whoosh of the air past my face and the blur of the trees zipping by. All I wanted was to experience and share this moment together.

I rounded the final corner and suddenly came out of my trance. He was no longer with me. He eventually made it down the hill and we reconvened, but things were quieter the rest of the day.

On the ride home, I heard the dreaded F word spill from his mouth. “I think we should just be friends.” Sigh. It happened again. Friendzoned.

In the zone

A high level of prowess or competence, particularly around physical activities, gives a girl a fast pass to the bro club.

Desirable girls are athletic, but not too athletic. Assertive, but not too assertive.

And still worse …

This is also compounded when the infamous hyperfocus enters the picture. I can get lost in the moment and filled with excitement.

Pretty soon, seven hours have passed, and my male friends ski up behind me, exhausted. The girls have already hit the lodge, snuggled up in front of the fireplace.

ADHD symptoms such as impulsivity or hyperactivity are viewed as male traits. Even if males don’t overtly express this as a turn-off, it can often be a subliminal roadblock to romantic attraction.

So here’s how it is

What have I learned in this journey so far? For one, I can’t change the world today. Whether conscious or unconscious, female and male norms exist and the biases they carry will influence people’s actions and thoughts.

But what I can do is portray my desire for connection and love between you and me, irrelevant of my gender.

One of the most beautiful experiences has been stretching people’s minds, helping them redefine the word, feminine. Just because something isn’t expected doesn’t make it undefined.

I may not fall within the center of the bell curve. I may be faster than average, louder or more excitable than average. But what I’ve learned is I’m not any less feminine for it, nor any less of a lady.

 

Erik Lucatero